This is our Battle of the Five armies script and we think it’s much better than the bloated monster Peter Jackson threw up onto our screens.
Perhaps you have seen the first two of the Hobbit trilogy but can’t really be bothered to see the third. Or maybe you’ve seen the Battle of the Five armies and just want to laugh a little at its expense. Either way this improved version of the script is for you. Unlike the film this script is short, contains little Orlando Bloom and no forced and unnecessary love story.
Smaug destroys laketown.
Alfrid: Really? We’re opening with an over the top metaphor for the evils of greed? After stretching Tolkien’s sweet little novella over three mangled and bloated films, do we really get to go with the ‘greed is bad’ angle?
Master of Laketown: Shut up, it’s time for Bard to sell some scale model Bard Dolls for only $20.
Alfrid: You mean kill the dragon?
Master of Laketown: Whatever. As long as it gets children hassling their parents for Bard toys before Christmas, who cares?
Bard shoots Smaug, Benedict Cumberbatch collects his cheque, and we go to the Lonely Mountain. Oh, wait, first we’re off to see Gandalf being held by Suaran and beaten up by some orcs. He’s rescued by a breakdancing Christopher Lee and some dated CGI. Obviously, as we see every character in the Lord of the Rings, the tension is somewhat lessened.
Now we’re back to the lonely mountain and Thorin is gurning at gold.
Thorin: Gold, Gold, Gems, Gold. FIND MY ARKENSTONE
Bilbo: Cheers for the exposition. Given it runs in his family, perhaps you could have put a little thought into planning for this eventuality instead of sitting around crying like someone stole your false teeth? Still can’t believe we’re going with the greed angle, especially as I’ve been flogging ‘Bilbo’s Hairy Hobbit Feet’ for the last three years.
Old Mr Tumnus Dwarf: You think that’s bad? They’re minting some ‘The Desolation of Smaug Treasure Coins’. For only $35 you can own a replica of some of Smaug’s treasure.
The people of Barrowtown make their way to the mountain.The elves turn up, with Thranduil riding a stag and therefore instantly becoming the best part of the movie.
Bard goes up to the mountain to help Thorin see sense.
Bard: You understand that gems have no intrinsic value, they’re simply what we use to buy goods and services. You have gems; we have goods and services. There’s dragon madness and there’s just being a clown face.
Thorin: Gold, Gold, insane muttering, gold, arkenstone, rubbish.
Bard: Good chat.
Bard goes back to Thranduil, where Gandalf is there warning of an impending Orc invasion.
Thranduil: I’m going to do pretty much nothing with that information because, right now, I’m focussed on getting me some bling.
Gandalf: But the orcs,…
Thranduil: Listen you stoned old man, why don’t you do something useful? Like some real magic. Maybe you could cure Thorin’s Dragon Madness? No? Magic down that wall? Pull a rabbit out of a hat?
Gandalf: Well I can’t no, but Radagast the Brown rides a sled pulled by rabbits.
Thranduil: Animal cruelty isn’t magic Gandalf. And it’s certainly nothing to be proud of.
Bilbo turns up, with a stolen Arkenstone.
Gandalf: Bilbo! I’d forgotten about you.
Bilbo: It’s okay, so had the writers. Basically, I’ve stolen this Arkenstone and Thorin doesn’t suspect me, even though he hired me as a thief. So, he’ll give up his gold for this stone and the audience can go home before the hour long special effects love in.
They go to talk to Thorin, then Dain turns up.
Dain: AARGH, I’m Scottish and feisty, lets fight.
The orcs turn up via some ground eating monsters, so they all fight the orcs. Then some more orcs turn up and they all fight those orcs too. Finally the eagles make an appearance and it’s all over. Bilbo gets knocked out,but what was he offering to the story anyway? Those in the audience who remember the Lord of the Rings wonder at how little the CGI has improved in the intervening years. It’s so boring I can’t even be bothered to parody it properly.
After the special effects and hammy acting has cleared, Bilbo makes his way home with Gandalf.
Bilbo: It’s been an amazing journey Gandalf, although it seems to have lasted about three times longer than it should have done.
Gandalf: Well you see Bilbo, while a story is important, what’s more important is the little things. Like selling tickets, merchandise and helping some already very rich people being able to buy slightly bigger houses.
Bilbo: We’re really just laughing in the face of this whole ‘greed is bad’ moral aren’t we.
Gandalf: Pretty much. Still, is there anything else I can do for you?
Bilbo: Just remember: if you ever need to transport a group of small people a long way over dangerous terrain; use eagles. I have no idea how that wasn’t plan A this time round, would have saved a lot of bother.
Gandalf: Okay Bilbo, will do.
Gandalf takes a long toke on his pipe.
Bilbo: Best lay off that a little, it’s not good for the memory.
Then, because unlike Peter Jackson I know when a film should end, we fade to credits. There is though, one last twist, when the audience realises that this guy:
Wasn’t played by Gerard Depardieu.
If you liked that and you’re a Doctor Who fan, then you might get a laugh out of the Kill the Moon script we did too.