We at Stranger Views were worried by the Kill The Moon episode of Doctor Who. We wanted to know why it was so horrible. So we did a little digging and came across someone with access to the show. Through this source we were able to find a tape of the initial script meeting for Kill the Moon. What follows is a transcript of that recording.
We must warn you, the transcript below is not pretty and is not for the faint hearted Whovian. It does, however, illuminate the problems Kill The Moon had from its very inception.
From voice analysis we believe the speakers in the room to have been Steven Moffat, script writer Peter Harness and script editor David P Davis.
Steven Moffat: Bad news gentlemen, bad news. The BBC wants an extra episode. It’s for the American market; turns out they are sick of British TV shows only having ten or so episodes, so we have to knock another one out. We’re starting filming on Tuesday.
Peter Harness: What? They can’t just ask for a script for an episode by Tuesday. Don’t they know these ideas take time to form, to plan, to nurture.
David P Davis: Shut up Peter, you’re not Gatiss. They ask us for an episode, we ask you for a script, you give us a script, that’s the deal.
Harness: Can’t we ask Gatiss?
Moffat: One does not simply….walk up to Gatiss and request he write a script. One waits until he turns his godlike gaze towards you and honours your show with his greatness.
Harness: But a whole extra episode. We don’t have the time.
Moffat: Really Peter?
Harness: Sorry Steven, I mean… it will be tight but I’m sure I can do it.
Davis: So where do we start?
Moffat: Good call. <shouts> Intern!
A door opens, slowly.
Intern: Yes sir?
Moffat: We need coffee.
Intern: I’m sorry we’re… err…we’re out of mugs.
Davis: Steven Moffat doesn’t drink instant coffee from mugs. When Steven Moffat asks for coffee you get him proper coffee, from one of those cool coffee shop where all the staff have beards and all the customers have hemp iPhone cases.
Intern: Of course, sorry, what would you like?
Harness: I’d like a cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles and a hint of cinnamon.
Davis: You can get me a latte, using the Nigerian ochre beans, a touch of vanilla and the smallest smidgen of saffron.
Moffat: I’ll have a double shot, half caffeinated, Egyptian pure bean long Macchiato with hazelnut syrup, extract of pine and the scent of a new-born lamb’s tears.
Davis: Did you get all of that or would you like us to go through it again?
Intern: Think I’ve got it, would you like any pastries or croissants?
Moffat: Good idea, pick some up.
Intern: Any preferences?
Moffat: No. We’re easy.
A door opens and closes.
Moffat: While we’re waiting, why don’t you go through your ideas Peter.
Harness: What ideas?
Moffat: The ideas you’ve have for the extra episode.
Harness: But you just told me about the episode five minutes ago.
Davis: And now we are asking you to tell us your ideas. I don’t understand the problem.
Moffat: Do you like working for the BBC Peter?
Harness: Yes, why?
Moffatt: Just wondering.
Harness: Okay, okay. I’ve got something. Environmental stuff is really big right now. How about if there is an evil sun taking over a ship, except it turns out the people on the ship are hurting the environment?
Davis: Russell did an episode on that already.
Harness: How about if we think there is some new type of monster and that no-one can see it, but it turns out the Doctor just needed a bit of a lie down and there wasn’t anything there after all.
Davis: Are you serious? You do know we just did that episode?
Moffat: Four weeks ago. It was called Listen.
Harness: But you didn’t end the show with there not really being a monster did you? I saw the script but thought that was just filler dialogue until you came up with a proper ending.
Davis: Do you even watch the show Peter?
Harness: I try to see it on iPlayer, I just sometimes miss one or two.
Davis: I’m not sure if I would admit that if I was sitting where you are Peter.
Harness: Fine.. ehm.. do you mind if I try some word association?
Davis: Some what?
Harness: You know, start with one word and then see what pops into your head.
Davis: Okay, if you really don’t think you’re wasting our time.
Harness: Great. Let’s start-
Okay bad start. So let’s focus on Capaldi. Hmmm…
how about ANGRY TARTAN CATERPILLARS FROM SPACE!!!!?
Moffat: I rather think not.
Davis: I think you need to do a little better Peter, don’t you?
Peter: Yes, ehm quite right. Let me try again….
The door opens
Intern: I’ve got coffees and croissants. I had to get some ingredients from the old market and had to tell my darkest secret to an old man in exchange for the scent of a lamb’s tear.
Moffat: Danish pastries?
Intern: You, you didn’t ask for any.
Moffat: Didn’t I?
Intern: You said you didn’t mind what I got you.
Moffat: But it would have been nice if you had got some none the less. And if I am not mistaken that is in fact the scent of goat’s tear, not lamb. Am I mistaken Intern?
Intern: I’m sure you’re not, I’m sorry.
Moffat: If you need to learn the difference between lamb’s tears and goat’s tears perhaps I should arrange for you to intern on Countryfile? Then instead of spending time looking at Jenna Coleman you can be knee deep in mud while some warty farmer treats a cow like a glove puppet.
Intern: Yes sir, sorry sir.
Davis: Let’s move away from the intern’s mistakes and back to the episode.
Harness: Okay, lets try again. The Doctor travels in space, man has been to space but only to the moon. How about the Doctor Travels to the moon, but the moon is going to kill us all so the Doctor has to save the day?
Moffat: Not sure how you got there from the Doctor travelling in space, but it sounds promising. Especially as we could reuse those orange spacesuits. There is one issue though.
Harness: What’s that?
Moffat: Peter can only get limited screen time. His eyebrows need a break, he’s got repetitive arching strain.
Harness: Okay, so Clara saves the day.
Davis: They will have to meet three astronauts as well.
Davis: Because there’s only three actors we haven’t used in London. It’s embarrassing; we keep meeting them at parties and it’s all “Can I be on Doctor Who?” and “All our friends have been on it already.” It’s driving me mad.
Harness: The concept may be a little thin to support three extra characters.
Davis: Then kill two of them quick and have the third saying things that make it seem like we have given her a backstory, when in fact she has about as much genuine emotional depth as Tom Cruise.
Moffat: We need to have Courtney in there too.
Harness: Does she need to speak?
Moffat: Just have her being funny and representing our younger audience and then pack her off to the Tardis.
Harness: Ah, there may be a problem there. You see, I’ve never actually met a teenager before. I don’t know what they say.
Davis: Just have her say she’s bored and mention Tumblr a lot. That’s all it takes. Teenagers aren’t even real people. Just have one in the show and it’ll keep them occupied till their next big mac or whatever it is they eat.
Moffat: So what’s going to happen on the moon. We want something memorable that doesn’t use any of the other monsters we have ever used on Doctor Who.
Harness: You know, I’ve always been scared of the moon itself.
Harness: The moon;I sometimes look up and wonder if something is inside it, just waiting to come out.
Davis: You’re losing me a little bit here Peter.
Moffat: No David, let him continue. Fear feeds us.
Davis: If you say so Steven.
Harness: You see, I’ve often wondered if it was an egg. It’s round like an egg you know.
Davis: Do you have something to say Intern?
Intern: I just thought it was a joke. You know the moon being round like an egg. Eggs being round.
Davis: Excuse me?
Intern: Eggs aren’t round, they’re egg shaped. Sort of oval I guess.
Davis: I think you should spend a little more time thinking about the Danish pastry fiasco and little less giving egg based opinions, don’t you? Sorry Peter, the intern must be someone’s son. Continue.
Harness: As I was saying the moon is round like an egg so maybe something could be coming out of it.
Moffat: Like a giant bird, or an insect or a bat, or a frog, or a dragon, or a knat or a ….
Davis: Are you okay Steven? You seem to be getting a little excited.
Moffat: I’m sorry it’s the goat’s tear and the lack of Danish pastry. It’s playing havoc with my mind.
Davis: It’s okay Steven, just focus, you can pull through. So Peter, what’s coming out of the egg?
Harness: I’m not sure it matters what it is as long as we say the moon’s been an egg for the whole of its 100 million years’, and now it’s hatch…
Davis: Are you unwell intern?
Intern: I think the moon is a little older than 100 million years.
Davis: Scientist now are you?
Intern: Well no, I just think it might be a little older. I can just google it on your Mac if you want.
There is a banging sound. Then a scream.
Davis: Listen you no Danish pastry buying little git:
Do you understand?
The sound of what appears to be whimpering is heard.
Moffat: Christ, I cannot be expected to think with the sound of this idiot’s whimpering, especially as he forgot my Danish pastry and got me scent of goat’s tear instead of lamb’s. How can you work for the BBC and not know the difference.
Intern: Sorry sir… I’m so sorry. I hope I haven’t hurt the episode.
Moffat: I’m rather afraid you have. We’re going with Peter’s moon being an egg idea and it’s your fault.
Harness: But all I’ve got to work on is the moon being an egg and, according to my therapist, that’s not a healthy thing to think.
Moffat: Who cares? Just put in some snakes or spiders or something else scary, and shove in some science sounding stuff every time you want to justify whatever scene you’ve written. Personally I just pick words randomly from a physics text book, but whatever methods works for you.
Harness: But if the moon is an egg, wouldn’t killing a newborn be controversial?
Moffat: So don’t kill it. Just whatever you do make sure Clara takes charge and that people let her. It’ll keep the teacher’s union off our back and you just can’t appreciate the power they have at the BBC.
Davis: Should I see if Countryfile have space for another intern Steven? I think the last one left while screaming something about dung and afterbirth.
Moffat: Best do David, best do. And please make sure they have some very warty farmers with some very, very messy cows lined up.
Please do not attempt to find our source, who goes only by the name H.E. Tintern, as he must remain anonymous.
You can read our original review, given before this transcript came to light, here. For all our Doctor Who reviews and articles please click here, there are sodding loads of them. As ever, please comment below.